What is News in a Neocolonial Landscape?

Alright, so, I’m just gonna say it, I know political correctness and ethnic sensitivity are important topics of general concern, and I know that a number of my readers are from or live in the Middle East—I am sympathetic of Freedom of Religion, my ex-wife is Muslim, and my ex-ex-wife was LDS, Latter Day Saints: Mormon—but, man, Iran has just, kind of, gotta go, you know, I mean, like, Global Imperialism, of a geographic regard, is pretty much done. The rest of us have set our focus towards economic and technological neocolonialism while Iran’s getting hit in the back of the head by the Tetherball that they just swung.

(I’m going to keep this going a little bit, I’m getting a good laugh...)

So, Iran is like that kid that peaked in High School and became a cop to justify pushing people around late into his 20’s because his football career didn’t “pan out,” while also, simultaneously, being the cop that the other cops don’t really want around, and yet they feel like they have to keep him around because it would be worse to have him on the ‘outside’ than it is to tolerate his stupid crap from inside the clique; essentially, what I’m saying, is that there’s no place for him—after Persia (you had a good run)—but regardless we’re stuck with them and we think we have to find a place for them or they’ll lose it and start cold-assailing black people, and none of us want our local PD on the nightly news for racial profiling.

“Gawd Dammit, Honey, we have to move again YOUR son can’t seem to stop trying to intimidate the bigger kids, and beating up minorities!” “It’s not his fault you never hugged him as a kid!” “Whatever, where’s the TV guide?”

With that said, however, Trump could have found a better way to “retaliate” than to kill a top Iranian General while in Iraq, because that was pretty passive aggressive; that was like, when someone’s talking during the movie, in the theatre, and another patron’s like, “Dude, shutup, WTF?” and the offender responds with, “Who’s talking shit?” and instead of going straight to, “F@$k You!” someones says, “Sshhh…”

Iran, if your listening, starting a war with America, especially now, is...well, it’s thoughtless and it’s stupid, no one’s going to be like, “Oh shit, check out Iran. That’s badass, they got some balls!” because nobody cares, and after, maybe, a few years of skirmishes, in Iran, your government will be overthrown, replaced, probably by Eric Trump, and there will be American troops in Iran FOREVER.

White millennial girls will be like, “We should go to downtown Iran. I heard it used to be sketch, but now it’s pretty chill.”

Should the Untied States be policing the world? No, and yes we do, it sucks, but we’re paranoid, we’re all paranoid, a few years ago, in Boerne—the heart of the Texas Hill Country, about 200 miles north west of the Texas coast—when Hurricane Harvey hit, I couldn’t find bottled water anywhere, nowhere for a week and half and, on top of that, I had to wait two hours for gasoline at the gas station, people went nuts but, guess what, it didn’t even f@$kin’ rain here; wind speed, 2 mph at its most aggressive. It’s all just stupid, it’s all so stupid, I just, I can’t...I can’t, even!

I was talking to her the other day, about what I should write about today, and I told her that I didn’t want to write about Iran, because...politics, FUCK! There’s a very, very fine line between our political atmosphere and watching reality TV; the news is just as worried about Sweeps (is that still a thing?) as The Crown or Modern Family, it’s all a form of entertainment, all of it; we are way passed our morning and nightly news for the plausible benefit of our day-to-day lives. I honestly think “now” is one of the worst times for anybody to be starting a “revolution,” and I mean, most notably, like, any progressive agenda, because all it is, right now, is a sound bite, it’s a conversation piece, just something for a handful of people to have differing opinions about until the next revolution or installment of Star Wars comes out.

You know what’s news, Boeing! That shit is news. If you’re not aware Boeing has made some changes to their in-flight control algorithms and they forgot to tell their pilots and, as a result, three, that’s right, THREE planes, within an unacceptably short-duration, have crashed; killing people. The most recent of which was, guess where? That’s right, IRAN! Like, two days ago! And, it’s “still too early to tell what the cause of the crash was...” according to people who determine such things. Considering that Boeing is in the middle of Senate Hearings regarding the previous two crashes...I’m going to have the wherewithal to check ahead of time who happen to, I don’t know, design and build the engine of the plane that I might be flying in prior to, I don’t know, like, flying.

This is how I know it’s not news, anymore. If something is real, and it actively affects our day-to-day they don’t tell us; it used to be the reason why we watched the news: to know how to plan for our days, and weeks, and lives but now we watch the news in order to actively avoid what’s really happening, which is crashing around us in a fiery blaze of machine parts and computer algorithms, if the pieces somehow manage to escape the 5G bubble inconspicuously surrounding our Hill Country hamlets. ​

See you soon, love!


​
Shout out to Paul Simon, Michael Che, and Tom Segura