To Reflect Upon

     My mind is reeling; It’s amazing how days can spill over into the next bleeding into one for weeks, months, years even and our moods and our emotions became as familiar as the routine itself, regardless of how often they change, because we make the conscious decision to pair the two; then overnight, something could snap, a perfect storm of circumstance, emotion, and thought that occur concurrently that challenge every one of our assurances.

How do we re-balance all that?
We make choices.

And more often than not we don’t allow ourselves the emotional and mental balance to make the most weighed harmonious choices.

I made this mistake on Tuesday morning of this week. I made a comment to someone I cared about without giving myself time, both intellectually and emotionally to measure where I was at.

I do make this mistake. 

I justify it by telling myself that communication is key, which in-and-of-itself, isn’t a lie, but when it’s an excuse for saying something prematurely or, most harmfully, saying something unnecessary and hurtful. I said this, and over the course of 36 hours something very important to me, in my life, began to change. Unfortunately it wasn’t the comment alone, that afternoon and the following evening I didn’t stop myself to recognize the mistake I had made, and to try to address it. I allowed it to play out, as if I was actually in the right, as if I was behaving appropriately.

I had a rough weekend, and instead of actually giving myself the time to put all the pieces together and acknowledge my role in it, and ask for the guidance and for the help from someone who could have aided me through it; I made it their problem, and if that wasn’t bad enough, I didn’t even recognize that I was doing it, and had continued to for the days to come, until the digression of my behavior and the consequences of my actions were made, indirectly but unmistakably clear to me.

I accept the responsibility of those actions, although I would love, more than words are able to express, to learn from the mistakes I made and to build from them, and to continue forward.

There are a number of conditioned behaviors and insecurities that I have from past lives that are presenting themselves to me, and I have had trouble recognizing these behaviors and insecurities as they actively show up. When paired with exhaustion and a variety of other factors and choices, I have been trying to cope with them in the best ways; but I am coping, I am working through them, and they are not permanent, in fact, with a little help and understanding and, maybe forgiveness they will be out of my system very quickly—because I actively want them to be, and I want to move forward. I believe that after a certain time period of developing a relationship there are behaviors that present themselves, and I think where we’re at it's a laboriously developmental time. The point in a relationship when two people not only consciously recognize the issues they would like to address with another, but also being comfortable enough to do so, only it's still early in a relationship so it's handling the realities and the residual affects of those confrontations is still uncertain and difficult. I think a lot of people give up in that time, especially with certain other outliers in our lives. I don't think we should. 

I made a comment that we might be friends w/ benefits as opposed to in a relationship, and I really don’t think that’s true--I think that I have been speaking a lot in terms of how things are right now, as opposed to in general, and I think that I think and speak in that way a lot. So when I make comment like that and, on occasion, some others that I've made, I am speaking in a very exact, in the moment way and not how I might generally feel. :/

it’s been a challenging, exhausting week, and I’ve said things I regret and will continue to regret—I believe that we are in a relationship, I believe that we love one another, and I believe that it’s worth pursuing, especially after everything we’ve been through (since we’ve known each other more than decade) I believe it’s real, I believe it’s real; I believe it's real; and, my heart is so full of love and admiration and profound respect, I want to hold on to that as long as I can, and I want to leave it only when we cannot possibly hold on to it anymore.

Letting go of something so perfect only because of certain stressors and exhaustion and convenience will only ultimately hurt us, especially since these dark, challenging feelings will pass and we will feel close to each other again, and ending and starting and ending will inspire confusion and prolonged turmoil. This too shall pass.

Let’s develop, until we cannot develop anymore and then all we’ll leave each other with is gratitude and love, and not uncertainty and confusion.

I have your heart, and your have mine. ​

I am sorry, and I am grateful for you.